This was one of the poems that I wrote in April, during the Poetry Month Spree for Writing Heights. I produced a lot of interesting stuff that month (as one does) and I love that the space between writing the poem and going back through the deluge offers so much more reflection and perspective.
Anyway, here’s poetry.

Mantra
I meditate, every day
growing comfortable
with the sound of my own ocean
ebbing and flowing
laid down
like sedimentary thought
all the things I know I should think
should say
the mantras
like so many layers of gauze
over open wounds
you're okay, you're okay, you're okay
breath in, breath out, hold
I am here, I am here, I am here,
as anchors to the ocean floor
I will not leave you
I promise my younger self
that blue-eyed child
her heart unbroken by others just yet
but I did leave me
to the wolves of heartless men
to the neglect of depressed parents
to the anxieties of her children
I left me to suffer, to be wounded,
to die
over and over again
like breathing in, breathing out
I whisper over my teeth
I love you
not knowing what it really means
I love all of you,
I try to fathom
the darkness my voice echoes back
especially the darkness...
heart beat
breathe in
hold
empty lungs
and pretend this is how
it feels to drown
especially in the darkness
love the darkness
especially the darkness
It will not leave you
it loves you
all of you

Found
when they find me
i will be alone
the questions and headshakes
directed in quizzical depths
to the loam and silt they cannot sort through
no reasoning to be caught
in bucket or screen
when they find me
dressed as animals are
in the skin i was in
the day i roared into the plain
i will shock in cold white
filled with trout breath
and minnow kisses
When they find me
broken shell
battered
lovely in purple and blue
head struck rock
knee scraped branches
lips in shades to make
mountain bluebell envious
they will lament
such wasted splendor
when they find me
the questions of why
i was lost to the brine
a jointer to the self-takers before me
whispers will static the air
of all the ways i failed
and too long loitered in futility
when they find me
they will burn the empty package
while I sneak,
soul-snake in water
down river bends to the sea
never to be found again
This Isn't a Poem for You
So this isn’t a poem for the broken hearted
it is not for those who were left behind
or ghosted
or dumped
or abused
or disregarded
This is a poem for those who watched
as another soul walked away
sat in their silence
was released from another person’s life
faced pain at their hands
or were simply ignored
into nothingness…
You are the warriors of time
you, who have felt the sting
of heart break
and disappointments
you are the carriers of grief
and the bodies made of scars
and you have lived through
every burning cut
and every lonely night
This is not for the soul they broke,
this is for the you that survived.
This is not a sermon from some high tower
that you are stronger for it
that you are braver because of it
that you are a better person
a heart bigger,
with these new and ragged cracks
to let the light in
I will only tell you what I know
You survived.
you packed up your heart and your mind
and you moved on
you accepted their silence
you treated your wounds and closed the door
you started paying attention to yourself
when they no longer did
and that carries weight
self determination
and the ability to move past
the fickle and soft-seated lies,
of a love always perched to flee
the very second things got hard
Your feet remain grounded
and you outlasted
You heart is a seasoned warrior
and it may never let another in
but it doesn’t have space anyway
because in their absence
beyond the echoes of their abuse
the pain of their mistreatment,
you’ve filled your heart
with the unfaltering love
of yourself
they can’t ever move back in
there isn’t room any more.






