I woke up with

Heart palpitations

A panicked bird in my chest

Crushed with loneliness

Aching just to be touched

To be reassured

that my own body was real

And beneath that,

Behind the pounding of my brain

The incessant ache in my temples

I felt this burden.

the world’s sadness

all of it,

pressing out from behind my eyes.

None of it mine

To fix.

Not even if I tried.

I woke and debated with myself

The rational side whispering

Don’t wake them.

Though you’re lonely

And sad

And shaking

Don’t let them bear witness

To the crazed cacophony of terror

That pounds in your veins

That sends shivers rolling through you

Marching to the song:

You’re not enough

Nothing will be enough

We’re all going to burn

The world is ending and

You’ve brought

your own children here

To die.

I wrapped my arms around your body

To touch something real

To be grounded

To hold on

And help me feel

Not so alone.

Not so much pain.

But still this feeling follows me

In the daylight

While I set the table

And type the words

And bend to fit

What needs to fit.

A panic hangover

Like a shadow behind my eyes

Dulling everything with shades

Of impending hopelessness.

Today I’m not my best.